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Resource | Lessons Learned

How to Talk and Listen to Your Teen

It’s not new that substance use or experimentation happens during adolescence, but it’s now exacerbated by stress and mental health challenges.

Research indicates that teenagers are more likely to use alcohol and drugs to cope with stress or anxiety. This is especially concerning as their brains are still undergoing development. It’s important for parents to look out for signs that may indicate their child is grappling with mental health challenges or using substances.

As parents, we like to believe we have all the answers. But when talking to our teenagers, it is really the time when you want to have a conversation with them – and not at them. For that to happen, be ready to listen — and hear what they want to say.

 

 

Do’s

  • Listen Before You Talk: You can’t pretend to listen. Open the conversation but wait a bit before sharing your wisdom, experience or your opinion. Listening, not opining, is the most important thing we can do to connect with our teens.
  • Ask Open Ended Questions: Don’t just talk when there is an issue. Try your best to keep the conversation going about their feelings, their friends, their activities.
  • Be the Parent: As tempting as it may be to try to talk like one of your teen’s friends, don’t. They can see right through it.
  • Try to Remember: You may well have had your own “moments” with your own parents as a teen. While our teens are living in a far more connected and social world than we did, the same issues still exist.
  • Discuss an “Amnesty” or “No judgment” Policy: Talk with your teen about asking for help or advice without “getting in trouble” or facing bigger repercussions. If you can open up a conversation so they will let you know when they are in a situation with alcohol or other at-risk situations, you can build on that trust. Follow up the next day with a conversation about what happened, and continue talking about their safety.
  • Keep the Door Open: Hopefully you’ve had that first conversation, but don’t let it be the last. Keep that door open by remembering our first suggestion: listen before you talk.
  • If the Conversation is Going Nowhere Fast: Try to stay calm. If they simply don’t want to engage, here are a few questions you can ask: Are they afraid you are going to talk to another parent? Sometimes they may fear repercussions from you more than discussing what is going on.

Dont’s

  • Please Don’t: Criticize, compare, judge, complain, or walk away in anger.
  • Don’t Multitask if You are Trying to Talk: Put down your cell phone, computer, remote, or whatever else may distract you. If you are doing something else, the message you’ll send is that something else is more important than they are.
  • Don’t Minimize Feelings: Let’s refrain from minimizing their feelings during the discussion. Support your teen by reminding them that all feelings are valid and important.
  • Use Negative Language: Using negative language can be highly discouraging. Phrases such as “You’re crazy” or “You’re a user” have the potential to abruptly halt conversations before they even get a chance to start.
  • Compare Them to Others: Comparing your child to their friends or other family members can create unnecessary tension and make them feel inadequate and unappreciated. This can lead to a decrease in their self-esteem and cause strained relationships within the family.
  • Give Demands: When discussing mental challenges and substance use with your child, it’s important to avoid dictating what they should or should not do. Instead, approach the conversation by showing empathy and understanding. Encourage them to express their feelings and concerns openly. Ask them how you can support them and be attentive to their needs.

 

Leading the Way

 

When talking to your child about substance use, it’s important to keep lines of communication open. While these discussions may be uncomfortable, they are necessary to ensure they feel safe and seen. According to the Prevention Communications Toolkit, there are several steps to ensure you are ready to have these important conversations:

1. Make A Plan
2. Identify Your Goals
3. Be Strategic
4. Avoid Scare Tactics
5. Evaluate and Adjust

 

Why: When we speak about substance use, the way we communicate these messages is just as important as the messages themselves.

When: It’s crucial to have open and age-appropriate conversations with children aimed at raising awareness, providing education, and addressing their specific needs early on. These conversations can play a significant role in helping young people make informed decisions about substance use.

What: Prevention communications should provide youth with an opportunity to share what they already know about different substances. It is important to avoid introducing new substances to young people who have not yet encountered them, as this could pique their curiosity and inadvertently increase the risk of experimentation.

How: Create opportunities for inspiring peer activities and uplifting experiences. During the delicate adolescent stage, youth and young adults are particularly susceptible to taking risks and making impulsive decisions. It is important to provide guidance and support for young individuals to discover safe, natural highs, and participate in enriching peer activities that contribute to their overall well-being and growth.

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